I'm Only Happy When it Rains

It's pouring down rain right now. I won't complain because we need it. In fact, I hope it rains enough that it pulls some of the pollen out of the air. That - or whatever it is that has had me sneezing and my eyes watering for the last few days.

Despite the allergies, I normally love this time of year. The leaves are changing, the mornings are crisp and cool, but the afternoons are still warm enough that you can go outside without completely bundling up. I've always called it "sweater weather."

But...I'm not enjoying fall this year. Instead, I'm actually kind of melancholy. Last year at this time my sweet Golden was starting to lose his battle with cancer. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. I have a picture from Halloween where I dressed him up. He hated it when I did that - he always gave me the "what did I do to you?" look that Goldens obviously rehearse when their people aren't looking. We spent last year's Halloween watching old movies. My husband sitting in his chair and my boy in his favorite spot on the couch.

By Thanksgiving - he was having trouble getting up without help. Getting him in and out for potty runs was a chore, but I'd gladly still be doing it today if he were here with us. He's not though and as the anniversary of his crossing the rainbow bridge comes full circle (he died on Christmas Eve day) - I look at the coming holidays and wish I could skip right on over them and land somewhere in mid-January.

It's not just him being gone that bothers me. No, there are money problems and aging parents and a husband that keeps telling me he is not happy, but won't take steps to fix anything. Everyone wants something from me and no one will let me take time to just be. And...I think in the end that is what I need. I need a moment to remember my sweet boy who is no longer with us, I need to think about where I am going and what I am doing. For now it doesn't seem possible, so I look out the window and see the rain and wish for better and happier days.